corvi (corivax) wrote,

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An essay by Xog, Warscout of the Zlyx.

Dear Mighty Zlyx warlords,

I recommend conquering Montreal first of all Earth cities. Montreal is of inestimable strategic importance in the occupation of Earth. Besides, its aesthetic virtues, called by the inhabitants "crepes", "cute punk chicks", "lebanese food", and "bagpipes practicing in the god-damn parking lot at 3 Ay Em" will greatly increase the morale of our Zlyx legions. That last one is a bit hard to pronounce with mandibles, but the locals shriek out their windows in obvious glee, and I must agree; it reminds one most pleasantly of the noise made by a Qurth when you step on its pseudopods.

As you can see, Montreal is also home to some fearsome defensive weaponry and gruesome war totems. I was unable to determine the exact operating mechanism of this "fountain" but the grisly, ridged remains of some ill-fated invading race are clearly visible amoung the smoke and petrocarbon fires. Small humans gather around the "fountain", clearly enjoying the immolation of their enemies. Truly, these "Canadians" are a warlike race.

It is a lovely thing, though, is it not? Perhaps we should build one inside the hive.

Humans participate in a strange martial arts form called 'graffitti'. It seems to consists of inhaling a pressurized toulene solution, followed by a brisk running motion. Sometimes toulene and dissolved pigments are wasted against human walls. This is one such wall.

This is a deactivated Canadian mecha. Notice the light-scimitar handle the figure is clutching. (And speaking of light-scimitars, have I mentioned the most horrifying Earth weapons yet? It is called 'litigation'. There are rumors of a worse fate yet, called poutine.)

Armories called 'churches' in Montreal are often lined with niches carrying grotesque mechas called 'saints' or 'gargoyles'.

The fearsome "fountain" seems to be deactivated, but you will notice the steam from its nuclear cooling plant is still visible. Canadian technology is no match for the trained compound eye of a Zlyx scout!

Your Slithering Ichorousnesses might be wondering why I advocate conquering Montreal in the face of such fearsome weaponry. But it makes immense strategic sense.

Inside Montreal lies the "Biodome", a completely enclosed replica of Earthling ecosystems! I am sure your Slavering Slimynesses see the implications immediately: this is the hatchery for Canadian pupae! Indeed there were hundreds of small, screechy creatures, carefully cared for by adult Canadians. Can the Earthling hive-mother be far from our grasp?

Inside this fortified structure are found the larval forms of all Earthling phenotypes! Particularly noticable were the white winged larval forms of Earthling politicians, who much like our politicians, your sulfurousnesses aside, may be told by their obnoxious screeching and prodigal ability to defecate on things. Earth will be ours!

But perhaps, when the invasion is planned and the human hivemother falls into our mandibles, you could spare the human larvae of 'cute punk chicks' and 'crepe chefs'?

Your humble servant,
Tags: goofy, photos, public

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